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Childish Things, Part Seventeen

Willow gingerly closed the door into the living room and backed away, a look of disappointment on her face.

"Do you think Xander is only friends with us because…"

"He doesn't have any male friends?" Buffy pushed the door back open and looked into the room again.

Willow grimaced. “I think he’s missing Riley.”

Buffy thought about pointing out that Xander wasn’t the only one but swallowed it instead. It still hurt too much to think about Riley. She knew she had taken him for granted. She knew from his point of view he had probably been right to leave, but from her point of view it had been painfully wrong and she still kept turning around in search of his solidity and comfort, only to remember that he was gone. Angel being here wasn’t helping. He was also much too comforting, and yet as unreachable in his way as Riley. There were times when it was difficult to see how much more her life could be Of The Suck.

“And Oz…” Willow added with a sigh. “I know he’s missing him too.”

Buffy gave her a look of reproach. “Well, I refuse to feel guilty about breaking up with Riley and you shouldn’t feel guilty about dating Tara. Xander should find his own friends without relying on us to date guys just to give him people to watch guy movies with.”

Xander, Gunn and Wesley were all sitting on her couch, drinking beer and watching The Terminator. The realization that this was their last day in Sunnydale seemed to have caused the younger males in the family to all undergo a second regression. They had got up extra early so they could watch Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and The Return of the Jedi and showed every intention of going straight from this one to Terminator 2 with barely a pause to replenish their beer and chips. The Alien movies were apparently on the agenda for later. Angel and Giles's disinclination to join them had been greeted with surprise and scorn. No women had been invited.

Cordelia glared in the direction of the living room. "I swear if Xander is leading those two astray…"

"It's only people being killed by robots," Willow said quickly. "Not…porn or anything."

"You'd think, growing up on a Hellmouth, Xander would have enough of robots and killing," Cordelia observed witheringly.

They couldn't drive back to LA until the sun had set, of course, unless Angel was willing to travel under a blanket – which he very emphatically wasn't. As soon as he had confirmed that they wouldn't be leaving until sunset, Xander had produced his stack of videos, commandeered the couch, Wesley, and Gunn, and they had proceeded to go all y-chromosomey together.

Buffy had also noticed that Xander had seemed rather worryingly happy to have some male friends to talk to and with whom he could make inappropriate comments about Princess Leia's costume without getting withering looks.

"It's more likely to be your two leading Xander astray," Buffy countered. "They can hang out with each other on an everyday basis – Xander usually gets female company and nothing else. Now he's going to be all discontented."

"Do you think he won't want to watch Bollywood musicals with us any more?" Willow asked anxiously.

Buffy looked at her friend's concerned face. "I don't think he's going to hang out on street corners asking guys to come home with him just so he has someone to watch The Guns of Navarone with."

"I can watch that with him," Willow said at once. "If he wants me to, that is."

Cordelia made a dismissive 'pfft' noise. "That's a slippery slope, Willow. You start letting them think they can choose the night's movie and before you know it you're on your sixth consecutive viewing of something slimy and awful and, hey, I get that in my head whether I want it or not."

"I just don't want Xander getting used to this." Buffy peered back into the room.

"Well, I don't want Gunn and Wesley doing any more of that male bonding crap because we get way too much of that in LA."

Willow and Buffy both looked at the two men speculatively before exchanging a glance. "How bondy exactly do they get?" Buffy enquired.

"Pre-tty damned bondy."

"Naked bondy?" Willow pressed.

Cordelia shrugged. "Who knows? They could be playing strip Risk every night for all I know."

"I don't want Xander playing strip Risk," said Willow in shock. "It's bad enough hearing what he and Anya do every night."

Wesley said clearly: "Would you mind discussing us somewhere else? We're trying to watch a film and your character assassination of us is somewhat interfering with our concentration."

Xander looked between them. "'Strip Risk'?"

Gunn shrugged and pulled the top off another beer. "Only when we're really bored."

Cordelia glowered at them as she, Willow, and Buffy moved away from the door. She knew Gunn was lying and she knew Wesley was as uptight as they came over matters of naked sweaty maleness; they were just trying to freak her out for fun. Well, they would pay for that by getting some gay porn in their Christmas stockings if they didn’t watch out. She shut the door but her expression was ominous. "Just wait until I get them home."

Packing was a strange process. Cordelia felt an almost physical pain at the thought of leaving behind those pairs of new shoes that would never again fit her. Not just because they were pretty – although they were – but because they had come to represent something to her she was loath to give up. She wasn’t exactly sure what, she just knew she didn’t want to leave it behind. Innocence? Childhood? Forgiveness? Perhaps it was just to do with having the freedom to be irresponsible again. She much preferred the person she was now, certainly. She had never known how empty she felt in the past until she stopped feeling that way. The visions gave her purpose and direction and a sense of belonging to something greater and more magnificent than any one person. This wasn’t just about helping one guy – even one very special guy – find his redemption; this was about helping people who needed it. This wasn’t just about Angel. This was about the people who Angel had been brought back from hell to help. It was important to her to make that distinction, to herself and to others, because otherwise she was just one of those sappy true believers following a cult leader. Maybe it was just as well that Angel had gone all…brooding menace on them over Darla; separated himself from the mission so that they realized for themselves that it was the mission they were following, not just Angel. And boy was it so much better now he was back. Better than it had ever been, in fact, as now Wesley was in charge there was some kind of buffer zone between them and Angel’s stupidest irrational impulses, but they still had the benefit of all that vampire strength and determination. As long as Wes didn’t go crazy on them and start leading them up a blind alley they were pretty much set up to be the best possible help the helpless were going to get...

But… Okay, it had been nice to take some time off from carrying the woes of the world on her shoulders. To be spoilt and not feel this time around that it was hurting anyone else; that maybe she had earned this week of being fussed over in a way she never had earned all that fussing she’d had in the past. Because when you came right down to it – not their fault they’d been turned into kids, were too little to do chores, or slay demons, or save the helpless. Angel’s wish; their consequences. And it had touched her, she had to admit, to meet with so much kindness from people she had thought of as not really liking her. It felt different to be at the center of a family of people who loved you; loved you unconditionally too; who you could have fights with and say really mean things to but they’d still be there for you if you were in danger or physical or emotional pain, because that was what family was. Except hers never had been, and she’d only really glimpsed that with Xander. She’d let herself think he was someone who was really there for her, really worth investing in, and then he’d hurt her so badly. Boy, she didn’t want to think about that even now, how much that had hurt. She’d left Sunnydale feeling as if she’d made no friends, made no impression, not friends that counted, not the kind of impression that was going to lead to lasting love or affection or a wonderful career. She’d felt as if she didn’t even matter, and what kind of a person must she be to grow up in a place for eighteen years and not leave a dent behind when she left it?

So it had really meant something to find friendship in LA with Angel, and Doyle, and now Wesley and Gunn. And it had meant something else to come back here and find people greeting her kindly and wanting to take care of her. That was what these shoes were, she supposed, proof that she hadn’t been all bad, after all, maybe, and maybe she knew that anyway these days and didn’t need them. And maybe it would make a lot more sense to put them back in their boxes with their till receipts and go back there and get a refund for Tara and Willow, who probably couldn’t afford them in the first place and had spent way more than they should buying her things these past few days…

With new determination, Cordelia packed the shoes into their tissue paper and boxes, put each one back into the store carrier it had come in and gathered them up, four bags in each hand. There was no point in suggesting Willow did this, she’d always let store assistants walk all over her; this was definitely a job for the Queen Bitch of Sunnydale High.

Willow knew she ought to return the dresses. Apart from the one Gunn had got chocolate on, they looked hardly worn. Of course the one he’d gotten chocolate on was her personal favourite, the green and blue diamond ragged edge flower fairy one. And she was so relieved that Cordy, Wesley, and not-at-all-little Gunn were all lifesize and adult again but she also really missed that little girl she and Tara had been able to take care of for a week. It had just felt right to have little Cordy with them, the world all fresh and new again because they were showing it to a child; even if it was a child who was the same age they were somewhere inside.

“Dresses – now.”

Cordelia was standing in the doorway, hands full of carrier bag handles, looking all tall and imperious and more than a little scary.

“Those need to go back to the stores.”

Tara gave a little cry and picked up the flower fairy dress. “This one has chocolate on it,” she said breathlessly. “We can’t return this one.”

“No, not that one,” Willow said quickly.

Cordelia gazed at the dress and her expression was unexpectedly wistful. Aloud all she said was, “Gunn was such a brat. I need to hurt him for that when we get home.”

“Are you going to be extra nice to Wesley because he was so extra nice to both of you when he was a kid?” Willow countered.

Cordelia looked at her as if she were challenged. “Are you nuts?”

“Well, then it isn’t really fair to blame Gunn, is it? If you’re being just and consistent?”

“But I'm not intending to be just and consistent, Willow. I'm intending to make Gunn pay and pay for being a brat and still be as mean to Wesley as I usually am. It’s what they expect. If I started being nice to them – trust me – it would only confuse them. For instance – last time I made Wesley a sandwich, it really just scared him.”

Tara folded a non-chocolate-stained dress carefully back into its tissue paper. “But if you beat them, starve them, and harangue them…?”

“It’s their comfort zone.” Cordelia gave them a beaming smile.

“Cordy, anyone but you and I’d know you were joking,” Willow admitted.

“Hey, there is no beating and starving. Maybe some haranguing. I actually keep them from starving by having the laceratingly painful visions that – very occasionally – lead to paying customers. I am also the only one who understands the finances and makes sure their wages get paid. Wesley has an apartment because of me, instead of sleeping in a bus shelter or whatever the hell he was doing when he first turned up in LA. I am good for those guys. They just don’t always appreciate it.”

“Odd, given that you remind us so often.” Wesley grinned at her from the doorway.

Cordelia glanced up at him and then nodded to Willow. “You see, if I wasn’t here to tell him, Wes wouldn’t even know those clothes make him look like a big old dork.”

“Blame Angel, he brought them for me.”

“They’re the clothes you were wearing when you got bratified.”

“Oh, so that means the ones your wearing must be your choice too? That would explain the push up bra, dress that could double as a belt, and totally unsuitable shoes.”

“You know what these shoes are suitable for, skinned weasel boy?”

Wesley backed out of stomping range so quickly that Willow feared Cordelia might have used her stilettos as a dangerous weapon in the past.

“Tell Willow and Tara how good I am for you or I’ll hurt you.”

Wesley said quickly, “Yes, indeed, Cordelia is very good for us. Couldn’t be better. And she manages the finances and the filing with the focused accuracy of…”

“A sawn off shotgun wielded by a drunken blind man in a snit?” Gunn suggested.

Cordelia smiled sweetly. “Shall we recap on who decides whether or not you two get paid and therefore whether or not you eat?”

Wesley nudged Gunn who hastily amended: “Just joking. Cordelia is the business when it comes to finances and when it comes to filing…”

He looked at Wesley who said quickly, “She’s proven time and again that alphabetisation is an outmoded system which really has very little to offer. Apart from being able to find things in a hurry and – who really needs that?”

“You didn’t mention how decorative I am or the womanly touch I bring to the office.” Cordelia collected up yet more carrier bags. “But I’ll let you off just this once.

"Don't you want to watch a video with us?" Wesley enquired.

Cordelia regarded him narrowly. "We both know you're only asking me now because you two have just remembered that there's going to be no Xander for you to play with once we're back in LA and I have the nicest couch for TV viewing – not to mention the best TV set."

Gunn looked sheepishly at Buffy. "Cordy has surround sound."

"So if you don't ask me and I get tetchy about it you may not be able to bring your three DVDs over to my place and watch them there. Right? So, this is basically just a cynical attempt to keep in my good books and has nothing to do with really wanting my company?"

Wesley and Gunn exchanged a glance. "Pretty much."

Gunn added, "But only because girls want to watch chick flicks – not because we don't like your company. If girls had better taste in movies we'd rather watch with them because… they take up less room on the couch."

Cordelia turned to Buffy. "Isn't it just a miracle and a half that no woman has snapped these two up?"

Gunn looked down at the flower fairy dress. “Did you know there are chocolate stains on that one?”

Wesley looked at Cordelia’s face and then grabbed Gunn by the arm, quoting breathlessly: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Cordelia waited until they had escaped before turning to Willow and Tara. “Do you want a lesson in how to get a refund from even the snottiest store assistants?”

Tara nodded. “That could be…interesting.”

“And educational,” said Willow brightly.

Cordy gave them a beaming smile in return. “Prepare to be educated…”

***